The Mystery of the Lug Nuts
This morning I noticed there was a lug nut rolling around the floor of the car. It was a brand new lug nut, shiny and without a trace of grime. "Why do we have this?" I asked Jeannine, who was driving. "You bought it," she replied.
A few months ago we were in Sears getting our car's battery serviced. According to Jnnn, at that time I bought a package of lug nuts. "We need these," I told her, or so she claims.
Herein lies the mystery: what are they for? I have no memory of buying them, nor can I think of any logical reason to have them. We are not missing any lug nuts on the car, and if we ever did lose one, it would not be a catastrophe. And there are really no other good uses for lug nuts. I can only think of stupid uses, like ammunition for a sling shot.
Driving on Auto-Pilot
One of the reason I don't like to drive cars is that I am terrible at finding my way around, especially in a place as convoluted and crazy as Boston. I have to follow a specific, practiced route every time I want to get someplace. If I have not been there before, I will nearly always get lost.
This would not be as bad if I actually paid some attention to where I was going, but driving is tedious and I would much rather spend that time thinking about interesting things, like building a city out of legos. Often I will see something and get distracted watching it. One time it was a flock of pigeons flying parallel with me, going in a sinusoidal up and down trajectory. Or I will hear something on the radio and start ruminating on that.
What happens then is my driving auto-pilot takes over. It selects the route I have taken the most often and follows that. It will be a long time before I realize I've gone off course. Possibly, I will arrive someplace, get out of the car, and wonder "what am I doing here?"
Last night this happened. I was supposed to pick up Jeannine at the car rental place, but instead I wound up at the car dealership instead, an error of about 8 miles.
iPhone
I have had my iPhone for a little over a week. Here are my thoughts on it.
As expected, the user interface is very enjoyable and lucid. It blows everything else away. Most people never use most of the features on their phones, not because they don't want to or have no need of them, but because they can't figure out how to use them. Or the interface is so onerous it's easier not to use it. Or the phone service itself is too stupid and limiting. Not so with this phone. It all works as you would expect.
There are a few things about it I don't like. Some of the problems will get fixed in future software updates. Other things will never be fixed because it's part of the design. For example, Apple is dead set against allowing users to change their own batteries. It makes no sense whatsoever, but we just have to accept that Steve Jobs believes this is the right thing to do, even as it turns away millions of customers. Also, more memory would be nice, but that is out of Apple's control at the moment.
Entering text is difficult. I understand what people mean when they say they prefer a real keyboard, because with the touch screen variety you have to pay very close attention with your eyes to every key stroke, and that is tiring. For some bad reason, Apple restricts the keyboard to the vertical phone position. It would be better if I could rotate the phone 90 degrees so I am holding it lengthwise (the way you can do to watch a movie), giving more space for keys and allowing me to use two thumbs for typing.
Some things I would love to have, and may be coming in the future when Apple opens up the phone to 3rd party developers, are the ability to record my speech, checklists, a chat client, the ability to use the phone as a modem for my computer, direct file transfers, and some kind of GPS capability (there is a virtual GPS technology that uses cell tower locations instead of satellites).
2008 Plans
Finish the POD, test.
Writing. Want to crank up the tempo here. Fiction books under consideration include: 'Trukkers' (sequel to LE but more finished), 'Deaths' (short story collection about afterlife ponderings), 'Disturbing Man' (an eccentric researcher who is searching for the signature of God). Want to write next edition of Learning XML too.
Trike with motor. Might be time to get a new trike as the current one is heavy and getting old. See some good models with integrated motor assist for under $4k. Then I can ride to work more often and a long-distance trip is more palatable. The problem is I would like this now because with the cold it is becoming really hard to get into work.
Wood floor. Replace carpeting in living room with bamboo flooring. Will be much easier to clean. While we're at it, we'll get rid of some clunky furniture.
Continuing the purge of stuff. Should offload some of the thousands of books we have. I will read as many as I can and write book reports. If I ever want to re-read them, I can always re-buy them.
Weight loss. Need to lose about 30 pounds. Will try to do it over time, like about 3 pounds a month.
Coding. So many ideas, so little time. I want to finish Text River. I've been talking to Andy about contributing to his project. And I want to return to the machine intelligence project.
The Mist movie surprised me. It was the kind of story I would have liked to write. Still had some of the typical Stephen King convoluted plot with too many characters, and a too-long diatribe from a religious zealot, but there was enough other stuff to forgive those things. Mostly, it was scary, and strangely believable. The ending was especially unforgettable and it continues to disturb me. And the scene with a mile-high creature stomping around was amazing. Most surprising to me was that I really liked it.
I've been going through a depressed mood time. Some of it is from self-doubt about finishing things and succeeding, like the book. Some of it seems an extension of poor health. Some of it is the usual feeling of disconnectedness, the belief (whether true or not) that I am not influencing the world at all, especially younger generations, that I will eventually die forgotten, having failed to make the world better in any way.
I have ideas but I seem unable to get other people interested in them. Most people will not jump on board an unproven idea, so it seems it is the burden of someone with an idea to carry it to some higher level of completion all alone. I am really good at thinking of ideas and terrible at bringing them to concreteness. So I fear that my ideas will wither on the vine.
I often feel like I am on the wrong planet. This is a place where people care more about sports and celebrities than fixing problems, more about getting revenge and maintaining old hostilities than cooperating and moving forward, more about being like everyone else and attaining the usual status symbols than enjoying each other's uniqueness and exploring new things. I can go ahead and explore my ideas but if no one else cares, what's the point? If an idea falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, did it ever really exist?
I have reached the middle of my life and I don't know what I should do. It seems that to other people I am just an eccentric, slighly-interesting-but-not-really person, not somebody to take seriously or really listen to. The closest interaction I have with younger people is once or twice a year when I happen to meet them at a family event, or online, where inevitably I feel like I am being creepy. If anyone remembers me, it will probably be a niece or nephew saying, "I heard uncle Erik died. What did he do again? Don't remember."
So I guess moving forward the plan is to try to get some ideas down on paper or electronic bits with the hope that somebody, someday will find them and perhaps derive a little inspiration from them. If the beings running this experiment are listening, I hope I was somewhat entertaining for you.
My name is Erik Ray and I have diabetes.
There. I said it. I feel kind of ashamed about it because my obesity and eating habits are partly responsible, as are my genetics and hormone problems from a pituitary tumor that was removed years ago. But now I've got it, there's no cure, and I have to deal with it.
What is diabetes? The definition is chronic high blood sugar. In normal people, the body responds to a spike in blood sugar (for example, eating a cookie) by secreting a chemical called insulin. This tells your cells to grab the sugar and do something with it, such as convert it into energy to burn or fat to store. But in people like me, either our bodies don't produce enough insulin, or our cells are ignoring the insulin. The reason for this is very complicated and not fully understood, but the majority of cases arise from people who have too much fat in their liver which causes inflamation, and then (hand waving) diabetes.
What's wrong with too much sugar in the blood? Sugar in high concentrations is toxic. It kills nerve cells. It breaks mitochondria. It accelerates arteriosclerosis. It damages kidneys. It brings on lots of complications, and ultimately shortens my lifespan. There is no cure for diabetes, but it can be ameliorated somewhat by removing fat from the body and keeping blood sugar down.
So I've been trying to lose weight. Less abdominal area will definitely help. The problem is, it's so frickin' hard to do. You have to really focus all your effort on it, because it's so easy to fall off the diet. Recently I tried something that seemed like a cool idea: the soup diet. I would eat nothing but soup. This seemed good because of the high water content, and water is a natural appetite suppressor. Also, soup is hard to come by compared to fast food, so I would eat less.
The soup diet was a bad idea. Most soups have a lot of carbs, especially the "convenience soups" I was getting, such as Cup Noodles and Ramen. My blood sugar level was going through the roof, even though the overall calories were relatively low. So I needed to rethink the strategy.
I've been looking closely at the types of calories. It breaks down into 3 groups: fats, carbs, protein. Fats are bad because they pack 9 calories per gram, instead of the 4 calories per gram of carbs and protein. Fat goes directly into the fat cells where it's hard to get them out again, and it also gives bad signals to the body which can lead to metabolic problems, such as my diabetes. Carbs are bad for me because of my diabetes, and they leave you feeling unsatisfied. Protein is ideal because it makes you feel full and counteracts the tendency of the body to break down muscle while you're dieting.
So my strategy now is to eat foods high in protein, low in fat and carbs: lean meat, legumes, vegetables, low-fat dairy. It would be possible to lose weight on a vegan diet, but I would need to shop in special places and spend more time cooking, and my laziness prevents that.
The nice thing I've noticed is that I do not feel ravenous and irritable like I did on the soup diet. The protein seems to have a nice calming effect on my mood. I guess this is because there is no spike of insulin after eating. And of course, with lower blood sugar the diabetic symptoms are lower. I never mentioned this before, but I've been experiencing some nerve damage lately, with my fingers tingling and going numb, and flashes of pain in my legs. Before, it was just fatigue and itchiness, which I could live with, but now the stakes are getting higher. It gives me a lot more motivation to lose weight.
Dumb joke I made up
An animal of the species of Daubentonia madagascariensis (commonly known as the aye-aye) was captain of a ship steaming down the Amazon River. It was a very informal environment, where the mostly-hispanic crew all referred to each other by their species' names (lemur, muskrat, etc.). Her first mate alerted her to extremely dangerous patch of rapids ahead, and asked if she really wanted to take the ship in there. The captain told him to go through no matter what, and that he should personally man the wheelhouse. This alarmed the first mate, but nevertheless he agreed to do it, saying "I? Ay ay ay! Aye aye, aye-aye."
it's been a little over a week since the last weekly report. in that time, not a lot has happened. the main thing about last week is I did not go into work. it was very rejuvenating, like a 9 day weekend. I didn't have to be anywhere, had nothing scheduled, no due dates, slept in as late as I wanted: pure bliss.
the only problem with not having a set schedule is I find my sleep pattern goes to shit. I invariably end up staying awake until 3, 4, 5:00 in the morning. there seems to be something broken in my brain that normally would say, "gosh, you should go to sleep now". but then again, I love the night. my imagination and energy level are at least 2ce as high at night. I've often suspected there might be a little bit of vampire blood in the old family tree?
the main thing I did other than breathe, eat and sleep was write. I worked feverishly on the novel and it's now about 80% done. this is very exciting to me because my long-term goal is to live in a yurt. to live in a yurt, I need cheap land. to get cheap land, I need to look outside of the boston area. to live outside of boston, I need to be able to work anywhere. to work anywhere, I have to quit my job and give up computer programming. to do that, the only other thing I can do that will make money is write novels.
yeah I know, there are a lot of flaws in that argument, but I'm leaving a lot of details out. for example, I want to live with other people who also want to live in yurts, a dream I call "yurtopolis". and this planned neighborhood of yurt-dwellers would also happen to be a writer's colony. I want to be closer to nature, because it is very inspiring and pleasant. also, I want to continue my architecture experiments which I can't easily do living in a condo. and I also want to prove that you don't have to live in cities to have a good life.
real estate happens to be horribly expensive in cities across america and around the world. I think it is silly that people are forced to live in cities to get good jobs. it forces people to take on a huge burden of debt in mortgages, and we see today where that has led our economy which is on the verge of recession due to the credit crunch.
in america, there is also the problem of commuting, which is really bad in cities, causing lots of pollution and energy waste because people don't like public transportation and it isn't available everywhere. my idea is to be able to live and work anywhere for anybody in the information trade, a concept I call technomadism. a technomad can do technology really anywhere she wants. there are some problems to work out, and that's one of the things I want to work on.
so I'm back at work today. feeling refreshed. got lots of stuff to do before the year is out. I'm gonna finish this novel. I'm gonna finish the POD. I'm gonna start losing weight. And I'm gonna turn my diabetes around. those are my goals. let's see if I can do it.
Weekly report! I'm gonna try to make this weekly.
Last weekend Jnnn and I drove down to Letchworth Park in Western New York State for our annual family rendezvous. It is gorgeous this time of year with the leaves turning spectacular shades of yellow and red, though not so much this year as it has been unseasonably warm. We were lucky that there was not much rain, and plenty of blue sky. This year, in addition to the usual camping gear I brought along my recumbent tricycle and the prototype POD.
I had a lovely ride around the park late at night with no light but the moon, and no sound but the wind. If you ever have a chance to do some nighttime riding in the country, I recommend it. A lot of people had fun riding it around our camping loop.
I started setting up the POD prototype just as my friends JD and John arrived. They happen to live nearby in Geneseo so they brought their dog Bubba for a walk. There are some great trails in Letchworth. So they helped me set it up. It took about 20 minutes. You can read about the assembly process in my website.
What is POD? It is a Portable Off-grid Dwelling, an alternative shelter system that be cheap, sustainable, and very portable. This is a prototype that is only about half scale. It will eventually be habitable in its own right as a sort of rigid tent that can be suspended from trees or sit on the ground. I call it the "miniPOD".
The miniPOD is not ready for habitation yet. I have been having trouble designing a good, stable platform to sleep on. I have tried elaborate schemes with ropes, but they were either too cumbersome, too stretchy, or they got tangled too easily. I was really disappointed the POD would not be ready in time for this trip to be used as a substitute for my tent.
On a lark, I stretched a piece of blue plastic tarp inside. Glenn, a friend of the family, suggested we get one of the kids to try it out. "Start with a 30 pound kid and work your way up," was his advice. I was worried the whole thing would collapse and hurt a child, but he was very reassuring, so we gave it a try.
Jeannine's little cousin Ayana climbed aboard and instantly set to playing in it. She would stand up, jump, and land on her backside over and over. To my surprise, the POD skeleton took the abuse well. And we couldn't get her out of there, she was having so much fun. The tarp did get some damage as a hitching grommet was pulled loose, so we decided to end the experiment.
Then Cliff brought over his cargo netting from his truck. This was basically a stretchy net of woven bungee cords about 6 feet by 4 feet, with big plastic hooks on the side. We connected this best we could on the POD and threw the tarp over it. It was stronger and more supportive. We got a heavier kid named Brad to lie down. 150 pounds and the POD was still standing, though it made some groaning sounds.
We slapped on another tarp for more strength and I had a go on it. My 250 pounds were tolerated well, though it did distort the POD considerably. This is nothing a little bracing with ropes could not solve.
I was very pleased with this experiment. A cargo net is the perfect solution: light but strong, and resistant to tangling. I went online yesterday to order some large cargo nets from bednet. These are 2-inch wide polyester straps made from recycled seatbelts. I'll install them in the POD cross-wise and they should in theory hold several adult-sized people. Yay!
I worked about 70 hours each of the past two weeks, so this week I'm celebrating some well-earned R+R. Actually, I'm doing more work, but it's work I want to do. First and foremost, I'm trying to finish this novel I've been working on forever, Snake Cat Bird. I'll also be cleaning up the house and finishing up some mundane business. And also I have a software project to start that I'm doing with the Irish Brothers, a little webzine publishing system.
What else is new? I am really loving this television program called The Venture Brothers. It is an animated story about a scientist and his family having adventures around the world. It is very sarcastic and funny, poking fun at shows I used to watch as a kid like Johnny Qwest and Lost in Space. Very geeky, very fun.
We saw a movie today called Dan in Reality. I thought it be excellent because Steve Carrell was in it, but it turned out to be kind of a chick flick. I guess Steve Carrell is going the way of Steve Martin. But tomorrow Lefty and I are going to see Darjeeling Express, that movie with Owen Wilson and his "brothers" fighting it out in an exotic country. I only wish I could have adventures like that with my own brothers.
I was trying to figure out why I like you-tube so much, and I finally realized the answer as I was watching a video by a guy who calls himself Grandpaw Universe. I stumbled on it by accident as I randomly troll youtube for entertainment. He has wild white hair and an unruly beard that explode out of his head like a hillbilly holy man. in this video, he was standing in the doorway of his bathroom wearing a towel around his waist, singing a cover of a NIN song in a style that remind me of Johnny Cash, and it was good. weird ... but really good. so I looked at some of his other videos and they are all just as strange and imaginative as this one. I couldn't get enough this wonderfully crazy man.
so why do I like quirky people? maybe it's because I consider myself to be one. you can see this if you look at my website where I'm documenting a project to build a giant archimedian solid ... that I can hang from trees ... and live inside. if that isn't weird I don't know what is. so I feel less alone knowing there are folks who are at least as strange as I am. but that's not the only reason.
I believe it's quirky people who drive the human race forward. these are folks who aren't afraid to experiment and take risks. they question everything. they ignore the dogma and turn their own lives into a work of art. they let their minds go wild and run all over the place like a child's. and what the world gets in return is a broader perspective, more tolerance, maybe a crazy new invention.
and that happens in spite of all the bad stuff the world throws at us. for most of history quirky folks have had live underground (not necessarily literally). all the media outlets were controlled by powerful ppl who themselves were not all that imaginative. occasionally some quirky stuff would leak out, like the notebooks of Da Vinci and writings of Galileo, but they usually paid a high price for that an the were not recognised in their own time.
my favorite people were all at one time considered crazy or out there. R. Buckminster Fuller invented the geodesic dome. Marcel Duchamp put a toilet on display and called it art. Mohandas Gandhi defeated the worlds most powerful empire without firing a single weapon. and for every one I can name there are a thousand others who in their own inimitable way, have shaped the world in a better way. these are the non-conformists, the anti-fascists, the people who can see as well as they can look.
things are getting easier for us weirdos. we have this Internet thing, which not coincidentally was invented by people of an idiosyncratic nature (that's the politically correct term). where before we had to be content scribbling in notebooks and hope that future generations would find them, today we can transmit our wacky ideas for free and at the speed of light. and more importantly, where before we lived in isolation and loneliness, now we can find each other.
why do we need to recognize and support each other? the world is doing it's best to stamp us down. there are so many people who want everybody to be the same, shallow, predictable, unremarkable drones. like the saying goes, the nail that stands up should get a visit from mister hammer. we can't let that happen. we are the pathfinders of civilization.
I'm going to end this with a quote that wraps it all up. It's from a remarkable mathametician named G. H. Hardy: "It is not worth an intelligent person's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."
I'm going to try a diet. It's an idea that came to me a while ago: eat soup. Just soup. Soup fills you up better because of the water content. It's a little harder to come by than solid food (e.g. you can't get it from vending machines), so I won't be snacking as much. It has good nutrition content, providing you rotate the soup to different types and stay away from bad soups like the "cream of..." category. So I'll be keeping a log of that to see how it works.
The cycling trip is coming up. I think that I'm going to try to do it after all (had been having doubts), but keep it more open-ended. So instead of planning it very rigorously and assuming a finish in Boston, I'm going to just try to "do as much as I can do" in a week's time. In other words, it will be a test to see how far I can go in seven days. Maybe I'll surprise myself and actually reach boston (it's possible if I average at least 60 miles a day).
I'm in a big push to finish SCB now. Have been spending around 20 hours a week on it, most of the weekends and late weeknights. Trying to keep up the pattern of 5 chapters a week. It's mostly written already, but needing lots of cleaning up.
I have to finish something, dammit.
Yesterday: reunion of MassONE people at John Harrison's house. It was nice to see them again.
Today: built POD skeleton in driveway. Neighbors have confirmed their suspicions that I am weird. I was disappointed that nobody stopped to ask what I was making; I was going to tell them it was an art sculpture. Anyway, the purpose of this build was to test a floor concept, which failed; the rope just gets tangled too much. I have another idea which relies on fabric, but have to get a sewing machine for that.
Last weekend: bad experience. Was trying to get into the characters to flesh out chapters in SCB, but kept hitting blocks. I got very little done, was discouraged. Started thinking lately that maybe I can't write at all.
Do other people have this problem?
I am in a donut shop and a police officer walks in. My first thought is, "gotta act innocent," even though I am innocent. I go to a bank and all I can think of is, "act casual or they will think I am a bank robber."
Best Blog Ever
I have found what I consider to be the best blog of all time. It contains nothing new. In fact, it's all stuff from the last century. It's a collection of articles from old issues of Popular Mechanics. Some of the most insane vehicles can be found there like these. (I am fascinated with the huge canvas bag rolling across Lake Michigan; what an absolutely bizarre way to travel.) Or this collossal amphibious ship-truck. Why don't people think like this anymore?
Do I have Asperger's?
Two different people forwarded me an article by Tim Page in The New Yorker. He talks about his strange life and painful childhood—all explained by his recent epiphany that he has Asperger Syndrome, a mild form of autism where people lack many instinctive social and personal presentation skills.
Some of the things he describes I have in common:
I too had a difficult time focusing in school if it was not a topic I was currently fascinated with.
As a child, I memorized lots of things other people did not. I used to know everything about satellites, rockets, and astronauts: names, launch dates, appearances, missions. Everything I could find on the subject I greedily absorbed. The librarians knew me as the child who asked for "books on space". I also drew innumerable pictures of spacecraft.
The author mentions a girl who greeted a new kid by saying "9 times 9 is 81." I too used to greet new kids by stating scientific facts at them, like what is 5 cubed or how far the earth is from the sun.
I had some awkwardness in school and often "didn't get it" when other people did.
There are other traits I don't have, like not being able to recognize faces or lacking a sense of humor. (Actually, I think it is unlikely that anybody lacks a sense of humor—it's just that humor is subjective.)
But really, who hasn't had some of those problems at one point or another? And are they problems? Lots of kids memorize sports statistics.
Aspberger's may just be another name for being eccentric. So somebody has collected a number of personality traits that are out of the mainstream and given them a label. It isn't something that needs treatment, though maybe some extra life coaching could help in some areas.
The Harmless Crime
Having explored every part of my company's office space (rooms, closets, nooks, crannies), I discovered a door that is plainly not meant to be used. It lacks a doorknob, and there is a hole drilled near the top, wide enough to peep through or stick a finger inside. The door is not locked, so I went inside. It appears at first to be a small storeroom, with unused file cabinets and chairs, but there is a door at the back. I followed this to an empty room that seems to have been a clothes-changing room, as it has a set of mirrors that give the 180-degree self-view.
For a long time I thought this was as far as I could go, but one day I noticed another door off the changing room. Believing this to be a closet, I was surprised to see it opened into a much larger room, with hallway and rooms beyond. I had stumbled upon a huge adjacent office space next to my own, one formerly inhabited by a textile design company. Everything is stripped almost bare, of course, as the former tenant had left years ago. But there is just enough remaining detritus to deduce the purpose of some of the rooms: clothing fabrication workshops, managerial offices, reception room, showrooms, and more.
Most people would probably shrug and leave. Curious types would wander around, satisfy their explorative desires and leave. Unscrupulous fellows might hunt for something to steal and come away disappointed, then leave. For some reason I come back, even though there is no obvious reason to be here, and some good reasons to stay away. This is trespassing, and though I am careful not to take or vandalize anything, I could get in trouble. I doubt anyone would press charges, but it could anger my employers. So why do I do it?
There are a couple reasons. First, the fact that I am not supposed to be here is a thrill. I am not generally in favor of committing crimes, but I do like the concept of the crime where no real wrong transpires. For example, I used to put false captions on paintings in my last place of employment, and wait to see how long it would be before someone took them down. Trespassing really only hurts people when you are violating their privacy, but there is nobody here with privacy to violate. The worst that can be said about it is that I am using some electricity by switching on light switches, which I turn off anyway after I'm done. So I am being "bad" but not really.
The second, bigger reason is I like to be alone once in a while and to me, being alone in a large space is better than being alone in a small place. I can pretend all of these offices are mine. I can bring my laptop in and sit on the floor of a huge cubicle zone (with the cubes and desks removed) and pretend it is my own personal huge workspace. The windows are large and let in lots of light and a great view with trees brushing against the glass. I can come and go as I please without anyone knowing where I am or what I am doing. There is nobody to watch me and pass judgement. I can turn switches on and turn them off with all of the power and responsibility that entails. The whole experience is quite relaxing and delicious.
A third reason is more mystical and harder to describe. I feel that a place—be it a room, building, mountain, or field—has a personality. When people are in a place, their presence overshadows the personality of the place, but when they go away, it is just me and the place. An intimate relationship develops as I explore and appreciate the place's special features. There is always a story to read, if you know where to look. It also imparts to me some kind of energy, sometimes oppressive, but usually positive. In some empty places, I feel cleansed and refreshed. In other places, I feel protected and comfortable. Others leave me feeling vulnerable, or instill me with sadness and hopelessness, yet I rarely want to leave any empty place no matter how it makes me feel.
To be sure, I have relationships with places that are not empty. For example, South Station in Boston is a very busy place. It has a frenetic energy and somewhat disheveled demeanor. I used to get quite a buzz off the place, and love to sit to watch all the business transpire. But it never feels like the place is "mine" the way I feel about empty spaces. I have to share it, and the constant need to watch after myself in this anonymous environment is a drain. If I have to be around people, I prefer to be anonymous in a crowd, as I don't have to worry about judgements and impressions, but the risk of a stranger intruding upon my serenity is still there.
I am very proud of what I accomplished this weekend. being that housecleaning is my most hated of responsibilities, a large portion of our condo was becoming almost unusable from accumulated detritus. on sunday, I invested many hours putting things into boxes and storing the boxes upstairs in the attic, and other boxes were filled with things to be taken outside for away-giving. this is all part of a new program I have instituted called "The Simplification". simply, the goal is to get rid of everything I don't need or want. it is so much harder to do than one would think. as we get older, we get so many belongings and gifts and crap, and squirrel it away into every nook, until decades later it chokes us. it is like cholesterol in the arteries, and just as hard to be rid of it. this weekend was the equivalent of a house colonic. and it will keep on going. this weekend I plan to unload a bunch of pesky appliances to a disposal person. the dream of one day seeing the back of our garage gives me goose-pimples.
(from an email to jharrison:)
bird update. we've been having a
little strangeness with chichu. normally, she acts like she doesn't
like me, which is good because we need to keep her away from sweet
pea, who will maul her if she ever gets close enough. it's a sad fact
of nature that birds can be vicious to each other if they are in a
competitive situation. that's how they survived for millions of
years. anyway, I have been playing this game where I come downstairs
pretending to be a monster. I growl and snort and the birds love
it. they either pretend to be afraid or they act heroic and stand up
to the beast. the latter is what chichu does. she puffs out her chest
and clicks her beak. I get up close to her and she makes this sound
like "you shall not terrorize me, foul oaf, for I am chichu". at that
point, I act afraid and cower on the other side of the room and she
does a little victory dance. well, that's all great, but it leads to a
problem. being the magnanimous victor, chichu now wants to let me know
that she and I can still be on amicable terms. can animals feel pity?
she flies over to me to make me feel better because she isn't such a
cruel tyrant. in her kinder, gentler world, humans would have a place
(though it might be in cages). while this is a fascinating look into
avian psychology, it has us very worried because sweet pea is on the
OTHER shoulder, getting very jealous. I have to act quickly to shoo
chichu away, which just confuses her more because she just 'defeated'
me. The soap opera goes on...
Overall things are better than 2 weeks ago. Summer is mild this year so far, but still I yearn for autumn. Triking to work is becoming more routine and I actually find it relaxing at times. My mood is pretty good lately. The "process" (what I call multitasking all my projects) is smooth and satisfying.
The iBros seem to like the PlanetStompers progress. I had created a mockup of the travel webzine and posted some of their writings and photographs. It gives them more impetus to write, and some instant feedback. The plan is to reach a critical mass with the articles to attract an audience and funding which will allow Noel to retire from work and both to resume traveling.
Writing is lagging a bit, going in bursts with long latent periods, but I am hoping to make it more consistent. I still have not managed to make it a daily activity because my daily schedule changes so often. Current emphasis is on making characters fuller and slimming down the plot of SCB. An exciting new development is the start of a colaboration with Glenn Bowlan (old MassONE co-worker) on a novel about earth kids going to an alien school.
POD is running into problems with the couch. The current task is making a rigid platform on which to sit and sleep with fewest materials possible. Rope is the obvious answer, but how? I devised what seemed to be an elegant solution with a single length of rope making a star pattern through the rings, but it doesn't work in practice. I think the rope I am using is inferior, stretching too much. So I will try with stronger, better quality rope and see if that makes a difference. I really hope I don't have to resort to some kind of board.
I started a new project called R-Tools which helps people create their own religions. I want it to be like an open source software package. Religion should be democratic, transparent, and personalized. W2B will be an example of the end product.
Situation at CAST is nominal. Boris on vacation this week. My project "Scriven" is bearing fruit, and I have to demonstrate parts of it today. Overall it is interesting and a bit scary.
Health is better with few heart palpitations, and don't feel exhausted all the time. Biggest problem right now is that the CPAP machine doesn't work unless I'm sleeping on my back, which I am loath to do. Consequently, I can only wear the mask for an hour before I have to take it off because I have been breathing through my mouth or I am tired of being on my back. So either I learn to sleep in that position or have to figure something else out (a category of options that is currently empty). We bought some air filter machines for the bedroom and living room, and these seem to be making me less congested, perhaps reducing the apnea. Also note that the novarel makes me feel fantastic for several days following an injection, so I need to remember to keep up with that.
Something that is making me a little sad at times is family. Specifically, I lament the poor relationships I have with my brothers and their families. I think I should try harder to reach out to them, by remembering birthdays for example. Often I wonder if they dislike me as a result of things I may have done long ago, or because I am the closest figure to our dad who was mostly a big jerk. But I can't spend too much time fretting about the past.
Put together a rough itinerary of the 2007 cycling trip across NYS and MA. Each day is about 40 miles, total distance 550 miles, so about 14 days plus a few rest days. Very ambitious and a little bit scary.
Did a little work on the POD documentation, especially the mini-POD part. ("MiniPOD" is what I'm calling the 7-foot version I am working on now.)
Slowly sliding back into working on SCB, putting in some changes to characters and plot that I thought about in the fallow time. It will be more character driven, less circumstantial.
A variety of health problems have been concerning me:
- fatigue
- nausea
- heart palpitations
- shallow breathing
- muscle pain
- tingling in the fingers
Initially I thought it was a coronary problem. I would go to a doctor except that the syndrome doesn't happen every day. Some days I feel perfectly fine and heavy exercise doesn't bring on the symptoms. I have been watching it carefully though and trying to find out what makes it better or worse. Here are some clues:
- It happens more often when I am taking my diabetes medication (I stopped a couple times to see if it was influencing the symptoms, and it was).
- It also happens more often if I don't get enough rest at night.
- Drinking a lot of water reduces symptoms.
- Symptoms increase with elevated blood sugar.
I recalled reading something about a rare side effect from my medication glucophage (brand name: metformin) called lactic acidosis. This is when the body builds up too much lactic acid through a metabolic error. Another case of this is too much anaerobic activity, where the muscles run out of oxygen and start into a backup metabolic mode which needs less oxygen but creates lots of lactic acid. This condition can account for all of the symptoms I have described above. It is dangerous, but I don't think I had full-fledged acidosis or I'd be really hurting. I believe I've just been skirting the edge of it, brought on by multiple factors.
I believe the other factor besides the medication is my apnea. In this condition, the airway closes up in periods of deep sleep. Lately my apnea has been worse due to my pollen allergy, and this has been causing me to get hypoxic at night. I believe the hypoxia (lack of oxygen) causes my muscles to go into anaerobic metabolic mode which causes lactic acid to build up. This puts me in the beginning stage of acidosis, and the medication amplifies it.
Fortunately, I have a machine called a CPAP which counters the tendency for my airway to get blocked. I have not been using it due to the fact it is somewhat uncomfortable. But even wearing it for part of the night seems to make a big difference in how I feel. If I can get used to it and use it all the time, it should alleviate all the symptoms and I will feel much better. The biggest problem is getting my unconscious self not to take it off. I am hoping persistence will work, and I won't have to resort to using duct tape.
It's been a while since I've jotted in the journal. I've felt very disorganized in general. Tried writing an automatic blogging web app but it didn't feel right. I am back to coding HTML by hand in emacs.
I left the DOE and started a new job June 18. My new employers are the Center for Applied Special Technology (CAST). At the DOE my team and I were frustrated with the changing priorities and capricious environment that is not conducive to good software development. One by one, we all left or are planning to leave, with the exception of Bob Kelley the Business Analyst. CAST gives me a chance to expand my skills and work on important projects I can feel good about.
I am grateful for the stint at DOE. It allowed me to transition smoothly from system administration into software development. It also happens to have been the most socially fun job I've ever had. I felt respected by everyone and I enjoyed the informal daily interaction. Much of this is because of our excellent Project Manager Jeff St. Germain, a very together and capable guy with a great balance between fun and responsibility. There will never be a better boss than him. I will try to continue my friendships with these people.
The first couple weeks at CAST were hard. I found myself wondering if I had made a bad decision in moving there. Although the people were very friendly, there was not much orientation in general, and in particular I found it very difficult to comprehend their web applications. Having left the DOE as a senior developer, I was frustrated at my inability to come up to speed quickly, feeling like I was looking at completely alien technology.
Things are much better now. I have written some functioning code in the form of an XML editing application. But I still have some reservations about the technical underpinnings.
There is a trend in software development which I will term "pathological abstraction." In the early days of the web, an application was a compact piece of code that read in parameters and crafted response pages all in one easy-to-find file. Somebody correctly pointed out that this was bad because it mixed style, logic and content together, so developers started to separate the applications into parts: stylesheets, marked up content, and code. That was a good move, but for some reason, nobody was satisfied with it. The separation of resources and almost fanatical need to make things declarative instead of functional resulted in the current state of things, a vast and almost incomprehensible bureaucracy.
To write even the simplest application, one has to create or edit a dozen configuration files, manage huge filesystem trees, objectify every particle of logic, and try to keep from going insane trying to remember all the esoteric rules of the many off-the-shelf libraries and components. Imagine if the UN were responsible for designing a high school cafeteria menu, and you see how crazy it all is.
Pundits will point out that it is all "open" and following "best practices". But this is like saying, to cross the street you should go two blocks south, then two blocks west, then two blocks east, and two blocks north again, to learn where all the cars are headed, and keep all their trajectories in your mind before you finally do set a foot into the street... oh, and make sure you filed an "intent of street-crossing" with the city council a week in advance. Here's a better idea: just fucking walk across the street already!
So while I'm not totally happy with the state of web development, it gets me a paycheck and it keeps me out of the street. If I were emperor, I would certainly do things differently. For one thing, anyone who tried to use a gas-powered leaf blowers would be forced to wear one attached to a nose ring... but I'm digressing. Actually, there is a school of thought that totally agrees with me, and it's called Ruby on Rails. Someday I will try it out. But that's another problem I have: too many technologies to learn and keep in my brain. It's pushing out all my valuable Brady Bunch trivia, damn it.
That is the mental component of the stress I've been going through. There is also a physical part. Since CAST is in Wakefield, about 5 miles away from where I live (same distance as DOE in Malden), I have been riding my trike to work. I don't have the option of taking the bus from Saugus anymore (the only bus that goes near my house goes right to Malden). I could take a bus if I got a ride with Jeannine part of the way, but she leaves at 6:30 AM which is really early for me. The trike ride is not bad as cycling through urban communities goes, but that's still kind of hard on the body and mind. There is a big hill in the middle too. I have been riding at least 3 days a week to work for 3 weeks, so it's not so bad now. The benefits for my health are definitely worth it. I hope to lose more weight and lessen the diabetes symptoms through this regimen.
Last night we went to visit a friend from 3rd grade, a girl named Julie Moore who today is a woman named Julie Fay. As a bonus, another schoolmate, Kathleen Saul-Billet was there as well. It was cool to see them again, but I actually spent more time playing with their kids than talking to the adults. When people have kids, it seems that all they talk about is the kids, so it's really kind of the same thing. So I pushed them on the swing and helped them imagine going to the store for bananas and peanutbutter. Now, I should say that 3 out of the 5 kids had autism. If I had not been told this, I would not have known, however, as they seemed very normal to me. The oldest child (about 7) was asking a lot of questions in a repetitive fashion ( e.g. how many letters in "david"... how many letters in "benjamin"... etc.) so that was the only autistic behavior I noticed. This event showed me how much I like to be with children with their imaginations and uncorrupted zeal.
Purchased a new digital camera today. The last one I had was lost on the NYS2006 trike trip. This is my first non-Sony digital camera. Two of my Sonys broke when dropped on the ground. One just stopped working due to some weird software bug. The quality has been going down year after year, so I decided to try something new. I got an Olympus Stylus 770 SW. The "SW" stands for shock-proof and waterproof, claims to be able to withstand a drop from 5 feet, and can take pictures underwater down to 30 feet. It is a very compact package, generally easy to use, and not too expensive; perfect for me.
I've recently done a major update of the ravelgrane website. Every year or two I do this, making it a bit simpler, more refined. It is as much about making an impression on people as keeping myself organized, but the former aspect is shrinking. Ideally there would be no ego involved, just a simple statement like a business card plus schedule book.
Having burnt out all enthusiasm for, and given up on, a personal programming enterprise (WebBoxes), I am returning to older projects. POD has seen some progress, being the preferred candidate for shelter in NYS Trike Trip 2007. The web documentation for that is coming along nicely. Planet Stompers, a site dedicated to joyful nomadism I started with our friends the Irish Brothers, is also seeing a rebirth of activity. But the most crucial thing on my mind is getting back to writing.
To be a novelist is probably my oldest career dream (after self-made billionaire astronaut). Yet I spend hardly any time on it. Once I get started writing, I work obsessively until I burn out on it and put it aside indefinitely. The fact that I want to succeed in it more than anything else puts too much pressure on me to do it right. Again, that just makes me avoid it more. So I spend much free time hating myself for procrastinating. This is craziness in crystal form.
The solution, I hope, is to figure out how to fit writing into the "Process". The Process is daily routine: waking up, eating, commuting, coding, masturbation, reading, web surfing, game playing, sleeping. If I can make writing as routine as taking a bus or scarfing down an eggplant sub, then I will be by definition a novelist, whether I ever finish one or not, and the chances of finishing something that doesn't suck can only go up. How can writing be a part of the daily slog, is the question I pose to myself approximately 20,000 times a day. I still have no good answer.